Communication is the key to life. We learn languages, share on social media, text, email, and call all to communicate something. Communication is key in our marriage, our relationship with God, and all other relationships, including those with our children.
We have all had times where we tried to communicate something and it wasn’t understood the way we intended. My husband and I have had this trouble in the past. I’d ask him to bring me a bottle and he’d bring me an empty bottle with a confused look on his face. I learned quickly I needed to specify which bottle or ask him to fix one if I knew one wasn’t ready. I’ve had other times texting my mom where she’ll call or text “are you mad at me?” Typically the answer is no, and I have to explain my texts were shorter due to being busy.
It is important that we understand what we are communicating with with our children. It is easy for them to misunderstand what we are communicating, even as they grow older. We must be sure to communicate with them as effectively as possible because children learn the majority of their speech, social skills, and ability to regulate their emotions from us. Here’s how to communicate more effectively with your child.
1) No
You may be thinking “No means no. It’s simple!” But when we are constantly saying no without a reason it leads to confusion, temper tantrums, and disobedience. Of course we can’t allow our children to do anything they want, they could get hurt. Some broad reasons we say “no” is because:
- It harms themselves or others
- It’s not an appropriate or convenient time
- It relates to them wanting you to buy something
Let’s go over each of these and better responses than “no” for ages 0-2, 2-4, and 4-6.
It harms themselves or others
- 0-2: At this age they understand one to three word responses best. I would suggest starting with a firm stop. Then a reason such as ouchie, hurt, or hot. Of course physically prevent them from hurting themselves or others while saying this as it may take a little while for them to understand.
- 2-4: At this age we can use more words and begin to distinguish between harming themselves and others. For harming themselves I would suggest saying things like that will hurt or that’s hot. For harming others I would suggest things like not nice or that hurts.
- 4-6: At this age they are beginning to grasp the general concept and it’s time to give more reasons and start asking them questions to help them realize it’s not a good idea. For harming themselves I would suggest statements like the stove is hot and will burn you, that tree limb will break and you’ll fall, etc. Explain simply why it would hurt. For harming others I would ask things like is that a nice thing to do?, how would you feel if that happened to you? Or say statements like that’s not very nice, and that hurts them/me.
It’s not an appropriate or convenient time
- 0-2: I would suggest sticking to short phrases such as not now or Mommy’s busy
- 2-4: I would suggest still stick to short phrases, but I would begin to add in more information on how long such as not now in 30 minutes, Mommy’s busy we’ll play in a little bit or let’s wait a little bit
- 4-6: as with 2-4 year olds we’re just going to add more on such as it’s raining outside, we’ll go play outside when it’s dry or that’s not on the schedule for today how about tomorrow?
It relates to them wanting you to buy something
- 0-2: I would suggest simple statements such as not today, maybe later, or not now. At this age you’re not giving them much of a reason because they have trouble understand time and object permanence. They may believe once you leave that toy is gone forever. Redirection is a good tool to use here.
- 2-4: At this age they are more likely to have some context of time, so I would suggest phrases that show you’re listening and care such as maybe we can next week or Christmas/birthday is coming. An idea I’ve seen to show you acknowledge their wants is to take a picture of the item and let them know that y’all can consider getting later.
- 4-6: At this age they are able to better grasp time, have object permanence down, and are able to begin comprehending costs. If you give your child an allowance or pay them for chores now is a great time to help them see if they can afford to get it themselves and start an appreciation of money and hard work early. You can also build on to phrases we previously discussed.
2) Infants
You have a newborn, now what? They only know how to communicate through one thing: crying. Newborns are like a sponge and will soak up everything you expose them to. The best way to begin communicating with your newborn is to talk. Tell them everything. When you’re changing their diaper walk them through the steps. When you’re walking through the house tell them what things are. When you’re making their bottle let them know. Not only is this going to help them, but it’s going to help your sleep deprived mind keep things straight.
Newborns aren’t going to understand what you’re saying. You have to show them that you love them and will care for them. You do this by cuddling with them, skin to skin, and by meeting their needs. This is going to be your best way of communication with your newborn.
3) Older Children
The older your child gets the more information they are going to want. Your child is going to begin having more emotions and not understanding what they are or how to react. We are to show them by practicing emotional self regulation ourselves.
The older a child gets the more they will rightfully want explanations. Tell your child why this is your decision. Ask them what they think about situations. Include them in decisions that will affect them the best you can. Give them choices you’re ok with. Try to use positive language. The older your child gets the more detail you should give them.
4) Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is good for all ages, including yourself. Boundaries are basically a set of rules that may not be broken. To set this I would set the boundary and then a consequence. For example: your daily chores must be done and you do not get screen time until completed.
This doesn’t just apply to kids and chores. You should set boundaries for yourself such as not allowing a person to speak down to you and if they continue you will remove yourself from their life until they change.
5) Consent
Consent is very important. Children need to know it’s okay to decline things. Unless you absolutely have to (I.E. changing diapers) always respect your child’s boundaries. In the example above we talked about having a consequence for not doing chores. If your child decides not to do chores then don’t try to force them, just remind them that means no screen time till they do them.
Do not force your child to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to. I cannot stress this enough. If you force them to do things like this against their will it could lead them to believe being sexually exploited is okay. It teaches them that what they want isn’t important and that it’s easier just to do as told.
6) Anger
We all get angry and loose our cool. It can happen to us or our kids. Let’s say it happens; you loose it. You snapped and yelled at your kids. Now what? We are going to apologize by acknowledging we yelled, explain why we yelled, say sorry for yelling, and tell them how we can fix this going forward. Here’s what it would look like:
I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was very angry that you made such a big mess. Today has been a bad day for me. I’m sorry, next time I will walk away and take a deep breath. Can you try not to make a big mess next time? It will help me not to become angry.
Of course we will make it simpler or give more description depending on the age of the child.
It’s ok for you and your child to become angry. When your child becomes angry we need to help them recognize the feeling they are having, why they are having that feeling, and how to release that anger in a healthy manner. For example:
I see you are angry that you can’t have screen time until your chores are done. It’s ok to be angry. Would you like to scream into this pillow?
There are many ways to help channel anger such as screaming into a pillow, exercise, or using sensory bottles.
I hope these tips help you communicate better. Please subscribe and follow for more!
The Modern Christian Mom 