Tag: parenting

Anger Punishment and Fear-Based Response

Posted on by The Modern Christian Mom

Your toddler is throwing another tantrum. Your teenager just back talked you. You have had enough. You yell at your toddler and you break your teens phone. Your toddler is now bawling their eyes out and your teenager stare in shock. Later you find they aren’t exhibiting this behavior in front of you, so it must work right? Wrong.

This is an anger punishment and fear-based response. Although you may no longer see the bad behavior, you have not taught them why their actions are wrong. Your toddler was having big emotions and no longer trusts to share them with you. They are simply eternalizing their emotions and devolving unhealthy coping mechanisms. Your teenager is still being disrespectful, only behind your back.

Later your toddler is at the playground. Their friend does something they don’t like, and your toddler screams at them in response cause their friend to cry. They then go on playing as though they did nothing wrong. Your teenager is learning to be more sneaky. They don’t trust you with anything that could make you angry. They are learning to hide things, and some of these could even be dangerous.

It may be easier to become angry and punish your child, but it is not going to help them, or your relationship in the long run.

Anger punishments seem to work because:

  • Your child stops what they were doing
  • You don’t see them behaving this way in the future

What you are actually seeing is a fear-based response. Although this looks like it worked, here’s what’s actually going on:

  • Your child no longer trusts you
  • They begin to hide things from you
  • They are afraid of you
  • They are still struggle with the root causes
  • They see anger punishment as a normal response

What results we would actually like to see are:

  • Understanding why their behavior was wrong
  • Trusting you with small and big things
  • Ceasing bad behavior
  • Respect

We can only achieve these results if we go the long way around. That looks like:

  • Giving your child tools to regulate emotions
  • Teaching your child what to do instead
  • Discipline (you can view how to discipline here)
  • Modeling correct behavior
  • Age appropriate discussions

Punishment and discipline are very different. Punishment is something rash done out of anger, more than likely something you experienced growing up. Discipline is thought out, set in place, and even discussed before the action is committed, such as having a boundary in place stating no screen time until chores are done.

So you’ve already punished your child out of anger. Is your relationship ruined? No it is not. This is a good time to model that we are all human and make mistakes. Apologize to your child. Explain why you were so angry. Explain what you did was wrong and ask for forgiveness. When you do this you are not only mending your relationship, but showing we are all humans who mess up and need forgiveness.

My Journey Breastfeeding

Posted on by The Modern Christian Mom

When I was pregnant with my son I wanted to breastfeed so bad. I was excited for all the benefits. You’ll lose weight. It will create an amazing bond. Your breast milk will change to best suite the needs of your child. It’s so much cheaper! The benefits sounded amazing. I couldn’t wait till he was out, laying on my chest doing skin to skin, breastfeeding in that first hour. Unfortunately that wasn’t how things went.

My son was born 37 weeks 5 days. A little early, but nothing too serious. The problem came when he was being birth his arm was above his head causing him to come out elbow first. This caused him to be stuck in my birth canal for 5 and 1/2 hours while I pushed. When he was finally out there was no cry. They cut the cord and whisked him away to the corner of the room while I was being stitched up. After what felt like forever, they got him breathing and I got to hear his first cry. I still didn’t get to see him. They took him to NICU and I didn’t see him for the first three hours of his life. I was still determined to breastfeed though.

That night I would be wheeled down to NICU a couple of times to attempt to breastfeed. The next day when he could finally be with me I constantly tried to breastfeed. He lost weight, as expected, and they sent us home. The next day at his pediatrician he had lost more weight. It made me so nervous. She wanted to see him again in two days. He had lost even more weight by the next visit and it was affecting his ability to regulate his temperature. She suggested syringe feeding him formula. We did that and he was maintaining weight, but was still so small he could not regulate his temperature. Several doctors visits and an ER visit later, we ended back in the hospital. It was exactly one week after he’d been born.

I felt like a failure. I blamed myself for not producing enough, but I tried and tried. At the hospital we were up every two hours nursing and giving bottle. I was never able to pump more than three ounces. He got better and we were able to go home after a long week. We both breastfed then formula fed. He refused to take a pacifier and instead I became a human pacifier.

In a few days he will be 17 months. Time has gone so quickly, and he is still on the breast (against my wishes at this point). Here are some pros, cons, and some things I found just not true for me in my breastfeeding journey.

Pros

  • It does create a bond
  • It’s easier to get him to sleep
  • You get the “he’s on the boob I can’t do anything” excuse
  • You are supporting his immune system and he’s less likely to get sick

Cons

  • It creates a love hate relationship (“You only love me for my boobs” “OMG your teeth, they hurt” “Just get off my boob already”)
  • You will be the only one able to get him to sleep (you are literally a human pacifier).
  • You don’t get anything done
  • It can hurt. Dry, cracked, raw nipples are a thing and it sucks.

Things that weren’t true for me

  • It did not help with weight loss at all
  • Formula didn’t make a difference in our budget. Between free samples at the doctors, WIC, and family and friends we did not spend a dime on formula.
  • Nipple confusion wasn’t a thing for my son. Food was food.
  • Pumping isn’t a magical cure all for your supply (and neither are oatmeal cookies).
  • It doesn’t just come naturally or easy

Tips

  • Do what’s best for your baby
  • Look hard at bottles even if you’re planning on breastfeeding. I hated the bottles I got as they were so many pieces. I enjoyed using these Advent Baby Bottles so much more. I got one as a free sample and it was simply my favorite.
  • Look into different types of formula in case you have to use it, and have a back up for that. We tried three different types of formula before finding a right fit. The Gerber Soothe was best on our son’s sensitive stomach.
  • Don’t be ashamed if you can’t breastfeed. Doing what is best for your child makes you an awesome mom.
  • Invest in a Haakaa. Even if you don’t produce a lot, like me, when you are breastfeeding you will leak on the opposite side. Yes this to catch what you leak with ease and put in your child’s next bottle.
  • Invest in a good breast pump. This is the one I had. It was small, portable, and inexpensive. I also liked the bottles that it came with. They were similar to the Advent Baby Bottles.
  • Just like with any other pacifier your child may wean themself off or you may find when you’re ready to stop they’re not.
  • You don’t need expensive breastfeeding shirts. One of the easiest and most concealable things I found to do was wear a tank top and T-shirt. Pull down your tank top, boob out, and your T-shirt up. The tank top covers what’s below the boob, the T-shirt covers what’s above, and your baby’s head covers the boob itself.
  • Do invest in a good bra. Whether it’s a nursing bra or bra that simply snaps in the front like this one.

My journey didn’t go as planned, but I hope yours does. If not that’s okay! Every woman’s journey is different. I hope my experience helps you in your journey. Subscribe and follow for more tips!