relationship – The Modern Christian Mom

Your toddler is throwing another tantrum. Your teenager just back talked you. You have had enough. You yell at your toddler and you break your teens phone. Your toddler is now bawling their eyes out and your teenager stare in shock. Later you find they aren’t exhibiting this behavior in front of you, so it must work right? Wrong.

This is an anger punishment and fear-based response. Although you may no longer see the bad behavior, you have not taught them why their actions are wrong. Your toddler was having big emotions and no longer trusts to share them with you. They are simply eternalizing their emotions and devolving unhealthy coping mechanisms. Your teenager is still being disrespectful, only behind your back.

Later your toddler is at the playground. Their friend does something they don’t like, and your toddler screams at them in response cause their friend to cry. They then go on playing as though they did nothing wrong. Your teenager is learning to be more sneaky. They don’t trust you with anything that could make you angry. They are learning to hide things, and some of these could even be dangerous.

It may be easier to become angry and punish your child, but it is not going to help them, or your relationship in the long run.

Anger punishments seem to work because:

Your child stops what they were doing
You don’t see them behaving this way in the future

What you are actually seeing is a fear-based response. Although this looks like it worked, here’s what’s actually going on:

Your child no longer trusts you
They begin to hide things from you
They are afraid of you
They are still struggle with the root causes
They see anger punishment as a normal response

What results we would actually like to see are:

Understanding why their behavior was wrong
Trusting you with small and big things
Ceasing bad behavior
Respect

We can only achieve these results if we go the long way around. That looks like:

Giving your child tools to regulate emotions
Teaching your child what to do instead
Discipline (you can view how to discipline here)
Modeling correct behavior
Age appropriate discussions

Punishment and discipline are very different. Punishment is something rash done out of anger, more than likely something you experienced growing up. Discipline is thought out, set in place, and even discussed before the action is committed, such as having a boundary in place stating no screen time until chores are done.

So you’ve already punished your child out of anger. Is your relationship ruined? No it is not. This is a good time to model that we are all human and make mistakes. Apologize to your child. Explain why you were so angry. Explain what you did was wrong and ask for forgiveness. When you do this you are not only mending your relationship, but showing we are all humans who mess up and need forgiveness.

I recently posted how you can support your wife, but now we wives need to learn a few things we can do to support our husbands.

1) Don’t nag

I know what you’re thinking. ”I don’t nag.” Believe me, you do. I’m a control freak at times. If he doesn’t do it right or doesn’t start on the task immediately I feel the need to tell him so. We have to stop it. If you’re not sure if he heard you, ask if he hears you instead of repeating yourself. If he didn’t do something the way you would like ask yourself if it’s something you can live with. If not tell him you are thankful he did what he did, but you would prefer it if he did it this way.

2) Let him have guys night

How many times do you think, ”I just need a break”? Guys are thinking the same thing. They may blow off steam differently than us, but they still need that time. So fix them some burgers and go have a special day with your kids.

3) Support his ambitions

You’re your husband’s biggest cheerleader. Men’s ideas get put down all the time, just like ours do. They simply hide it better. Let your husband know he’s doing a good job. Show interest in his ambitions and even invest in them.

4) Don’t assume he knows

This is another one of my biggest flaws. I tend to think, “Why would he do that? He knows it bothers me.” But why do we assume that he knows? Your husband loves you and isn’t going to do anything to upset you. Instead of assuming, ask. Either he doesn’t know or sees it from a different perspective than you.

5) Learn to speak his love language

Every person is different. We each speak a different love language. A love language is simply the kind of acts that make a person feel loved. There are five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. I highly suggest every couple read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You can find a copy here.

6) Let him take responsibility

I know he may do things differently than you, and the towels may not be folded exactly right, but this is something you both need. You need a break, and he needs to take responsibility for his half. We are not able to do it all, and he is capable of playing house and parenting your children. Wanting to control our husbands is a problem we women have had sense biblical time when Eve sinned and we were cursed to want to control our husbands. Remember that next time you want to stop him from taking responsibility.

7) Give him time with your child

Your husband and child need time to bond. If they don’t spend time together how is your husband supposed to know what size clothes he’s in, what his favorite toys are, or what’s going on in their life.

8) Fix his coffee

Fix his coffee when he’s running behind. Give him a massage after a long day. Have supper ready when he gets home. Tell him he’s doing a good job. Do little things that show you care.

9) Plan a date night (that he’d enjoy)

Our relationships need us to nurture them. A good way to do this are dates. Most of the time though, dates are commercialized and pushed towards women. Do things your husband would like. Go watch the latest Avengers. Go to the rodeo. Go watch the race. Go to his favorite restaurant, or even just stay in and play video games. One thing I like to do is is each write down 10 date ideas we want to do, fold them, put them in a cup, and pull one out the day before your date night. You never know what you’re going to get and it is 50/50 which you’ll get.

10) Let him be emotional

In today’s world men are taught not to have emotions. They are taught that men don’t cry, men aren’t scared, men aren’t sad, etc. when this is not true. We are all humans given emotions by God. Be your man’s safe space. Let him be comfortable showing his emotions to you.

I hope these tips help you support your husband! Leave a comment on how you support your spouse.

Tag: relationship

Anger Punishment and Fear-Based Response

10 Ways You Can Support Your Husband